She picked up her cape later.

Few things in life are better than having a cold beer in hand and a cushy couch under ass. Add a TV remote that's within reach along with the latest issue of Field & Stream and a bag of Funions, and we'll consider it a life fulfilled. Sure, some of us break the occasional sweat with softball. Or soccer. Or fishing (shut up). Hell, some of us even work out on occasion, if for no other reason than to brag to his fellow slouches about it.

And then there's Shana. She's the triathlete mom who just made your lazy ass look a whole lot fatter.

While you were asleep dreaming of water fountains that dispense only Sam Adams Light, she was turning laps in the pool. While you were off pulling a hamstring on a return trip to the beer fridge in the garage, she was feeling the pedals spread the burn into her calves. And while you were complaining that it was too hot to fish, she was lacing up the running shoes for a multi-mile run.


The 2005 Danskin Women's Triathlon Series was held last weekend down in Austin. After training under the watchful eye of a guy who has his own Ironman tattoo on his ankle and then telling him to "shut the hell up and let me run my own race" (okay, we made that part up but we suspect that was said at some point), Shana proceeded to rip through the competition. Not only did this Mom make damn-near everyone else on the course eat their vegetables before being allowed to play outside, but she apparently sent a majority of them off to spend a few minutes in Time Out, too.


The selfless triathlete will tell you she's racing against the clock and not each other. That she's trying to beat a personal best and not the person next to her. The fat-assed, beer-drinking slug who has passed out face-first into a bag of Fritos wearing nothing but underwear will tell you otherwise. While we're picking the chips outta our noses, we'll also point out a few facts about last weekend's race like this:

Overall Race
• Out of 2,850 women racers, Shana finished 388th (top 14%)
• In her age group (which was the largest and most competitive), she finished 67 out of 481 (again, top 14%)

Individual Events
• She finished the 1/2 mile swim in just 16 minutes and ranked 286th (top 10%)
• She finished the 12 mile bike ride in 44 minutes with an average speed of 16.7 mph and ranked 616 (top 22%)
• She finished the 3.2 mile run in 31 minutes and ranked 729th (top 26%)

Apparently when you do the math and carry the 4, all those numbers average out to Shana finishing in the top 15%.

Oh, by the way, this was her first triathlon. Ever. Kinda makes you feel bad for calling your wife when she's on the way home from work asking her to get the mail from the mailbox in front of the house 'cause you're too tired to walk outside, huh?

Reports from the field also describe the course as being tough; "a real bitch" in the terms of one veteran racer. Apparently the only flat part of the course was the water. In his words, to post a time like that, on a course like this, is amazing. In our words, to post any time, on anything even remotely like this without having to crank up the amps on a heart defibrilator afterwards, is simply amazing.

We also heard the race medal has a phrase inscribed on the back. "The woman that starts the race is not the same woman who finishes." No, she's not.

The superwoman who's a full-time mom, full-time wife and full-time inspiration to both her husband and the rest of the boys had to stop on the way home to pick up her cape at the dry cleaners after the race.