Never saw her at the Oasis.
Arthur C. Clark gave us HAL 9000, a self-aware computer patterned after the human mind in Stanley Kubric's 2001: A Space Odyssey. Ferris Buehler battled the ever-intelligent W.O.P.R. and was asked "do you want to play a game?" of thermonuclear conflict in War Games. And in Weird Science, Gary and Wyatt create the perfect woman who looks a lot like Kelly LeBrock to deal with Chet and the pressures of high school in the '80s. But none of those artificial personalities, not freakin' one, compares to this girl.
Her name is Tammy, and she's the bartender no one can stop talking about.
Here's how she works: drop by the neighborhood bar on your way home from work. She's the one waiting for you in the tight leather shorts. In the area below her screen, give her your order. Type in words like kiss, banana, pillow fight, fight, kick, sleep, jiggle, naked, tattoo, topless, jump, pour beer, drink beer, sing, stretch, dance, lick, hummer, wave, tickle, hat, strip, breast, dance on bar, be a pimp, magic, karate, robot, shoes, show me something, spin, read, write, hair, belly, gymnastics, fire, spread, pitcher, kiss me, hand stand, arms, phone, number, I love you and laugh. If you can think it up, you can type it in. Whether or not she pays attention to you is another thing.
Want to know more about the mysterious bartender? So does every other male with a pulse. Get your answers here. You'll get a few more pictures and even an interview. You'll also see she ain't the brightest bulb in the box but she may be one of the shiniest.
posted by TheBDS at 3:07 PM
7 Comments:
I realize this is sort of "your guys' thang" but I had to drop in and say hi. I actually KNOW where Goddard is, and I've BEEN there. And I drink BEER! Lots of it.
Stop by and say hey anytime.
-"the guys all call me Sex"
We won't ask about the piercings. We'll figure out the SSAS riddle. We'll even buy you a beer if you come back to visit on occasion. But you gotta tell us how a Colorado girl found herself standing in Goddard, KS whispering "damn it's flat around here". And your blog? Not too bad, sister.
-"the guys all call me Fat Bastard."
You funny. And you drink beer. And you guys are reasonably cute. Hmm. Gonna have a hard time not flirting shamelessly. (I have a hard time with that at any rate.)
As for how I ended up in Goddard... I do so love to be a mystery girl. I could set up an elaborate internet scavenger hunt for you guys, leave clues on blogs that read backwards would send you on to the next one in an everlasting, desperate search for the Truth. You would meet in bars and each other's garages, drinking beer and arguing over the significance of my comments...
So, so tempting.
Or, I could just say that I'm a KU girl who was dragged kicking and screaming to live in Wichita for 3 long, largely blocked years. I left a decade ago and never looked back.
Cheers!
Okay, we'll bite, "mystery girl".
Since it's obvious you're not Colonel Mustard in the library with a candlestick, we'll buy into your KU story on one condition: you can fill in the blanks to the following statement:
The granite Jayhawk statue in front of Strong Hall (across from Wescoe Beach) on campus will _______________ when ________________.
We never were ones to search long for the truth; our vision quests usually ended on the other side of the refridgerator door. Hence the "test" for you to complete or ignore. And you were dragged kicking and screaming to Wichita? Boyfriend-now-husband couldn't get away from Dog 'N Shake either, huh?
Don't blame him.
Ok, don't get the riddle. I'll have to recruit some help from the hubby. "will fly a victory lap over campus when KU wins the final four again?" (I was there for the last one.)
"will be taken down for polishing when the semester ends?" I don't get it. I'm sure it's some sort of obscure, KU legend reference that I should know but have forgotten in the drunken haze of my college experience.
I can, however, tell you that the closest bar to the Jayhawk was the Wheel, where beers were a buck a can but they let people in with no ID, but if you were feeling cheap you could go on down another block to Bullwinkles, where cans were .85. (Or free if it was friday afternoon, you flirted with the bartender, and you were the only girls in the place - which was likely on Friday afternoon.) But the cheapest beer by far was 1.25 barrels at the Hawk, popular lo those many Thursday nights. My barrel, retired after 5 years of dedicated service, is sitting on my desk right now with my pens in it(circa 1985).
Believe me now??
The granite Jayhawk statue in front of Strong Hall (across from Wescoe Beach) on campus will fly away when the first virgin graduates from KU.
And would you look at that. The damn bird is still there. Huh.
Sorry for the "20 Questions and the First 19 Don't Count". We're somewhat distrusting of new folks; consider it a small-town genetic weakness. We simply keep an eye on our own and are wary of the new kid on the block. But then again, you've been more engaged in this rathole of a blog than most of the other boys (unlike Craig God bless him), so if Chris, Jeff, Perez, Fosty or any of the other drunkards actually chime in with some two-bit wise-ass commentary, we'll make them dance the same jig you just did to prove themselves. History be damned.
Along with Craig, I'm impressed. Not with your bar knowledge, but with your memory of beer prices. When we were there (which sounds like a year or two after you), $2 got you a burger and beer at The Wheel on Friday afternoons. It also had a tendency to get you in trouble.
And the only way you would have known about the Jayhawk legend was if you actually took the campus tour from one of those nerdy know-it-all tour guides. Or you were a....oh, forget it.
Thanks for stopping in. Feel free to do so any time. We'll leave the blinking-almost-broken neon beer sign on for you.
Last in lawrence in Thanksgiving and I have my latest jayhawk sweatshirt on right now.
And nothing else.
Sorry, can't help it. Don't take it personally, I have OCFD. (obsessive compulsive flirting disorder) But I can drink with the big boys and I'm a fun drunk too.
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